Welcome aboard Brexit Airways - all pigs are now cleared for take-off!

Welcome aboard Brexit Airways - all pigs are now cleared for take-off!

   July 11, 2018  
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Welcome aboard Brexit Airways - all pigs are now cleared for take-off!

Imagine you are on an aeroplane. It is perfectly serviceable, although not perfect, and is preferable to dealing with gravity on your own.

A number of other passengers are concerned there are too many people on board. They think it means we will crash. Someone has also heard they are brandishing unnatural bananas.

They have worked themselves up into a panic which has infected half the plane.

When he heard concerns that the plane is about to crash into a butter mountain, the captain first laughed, then ordered them back into their seats, and finally barricaded himself in the cockpit where he has been heard singing "LA LA LA LA LA".

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The passengers will not be mollified. They have demanded everyone vote whether or not to leave the plane before it crashes. The cabin crew have attempted to explain the drawbacks in this plan, but a man in glasses shouted: "PEOPLE HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF EXPERTS!"

Safest mode

So the multi-lingual, emergency-exit-trained people have been tied and gagged in the galley.

On the ground, the world watches with misgiving.

The arguments that precede the vote are simple. Those who want to remain on the plane say that it works quite well. They say it is statistically the safest mode of travel, that it costs less per mile than the bus, and gets you further. They warn that exiting the plane will require a large number of parachutes that they cannot find.

Those wanting to leave the aeroplane denounce this as Project Fear. They are all rich enough to afford their own parachutes, and assure the other passengers that parachutes in vast numbers are available just outside the door.

They further claim these as-yet-unseen parachutes are the easiest to operate in history, and that we need make no arrangements to maintain communications with the plane as everyone on it is going to crash and burn because a large number of Turks are about to invade by way of the khazi.

It is decided at this point to check with the captain whether he can guarantee there are no Turks or structural flaws in the aircraft. Banging on the cabin door and shouting brings no response.

The Leavers then demand to know where the Remainers think they're heading.

"IT ALL SOUNDS FOREIGN!" barks a blond man, while standing in front of a Brexit Airways poster that, yes, really does offer 350 million glamorous destinations to choose from.

A vote is held, and Leavers win by a majority of 52-48. A quarter of the passengers do not take part in the vote, as they are really stuck into the in-flight movie about a bunch of idiots on an aeroplane, and therefore have no mental bandwidth available to deal with the idiots around them.

Inexpert man

In the immediate aftermath of the vote, the Leavers stare aghast at the door they are now committed to jumping out of. Efforts to penetrate the cabin have succeeded and all that has been found of the captain is a Post-It saying: "I resign!" and a brochure about shepherd huts.

A vicious battle ensues about who takes over the plane. The blond man, the inexpert man, and several more slap each other until a vicar's daughter is elected to the job because she used to work in a prison and didn't resign.

The drunkest passenger on the plane, who it now appears was the source of the initial claim about extra passengers, says he wants nothing more to do with it unless nobody jumps, in which case he'll have something to say about it.

The new captain agrees to a two-year deadline for exiting the plane. Inch by inch, the Leavers are forced to move closer to the door. The blond man is put in charge of making friends with the air, a short man who talks a lot about his best friend a lot is told to locate sufficient parachutes, and someone called David is given the task of opening of the door.

They spend the next two years cocking it up quite spectacularly.

The man with a best friend first says the parachutes are ridiculously easy to find, then admits he cannot look for them until after everyone is outside the plane. The man called David wants other people to tell him how to open the door, even though he's been given instructions he's chosen not to read, and the blond man manages only to make friends with a passing blimp that escaped its tether.

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